Friday, 27 September 2013

Can you smell that?

This is a really gross topic of conversation, but something that's been playing on my mind nonethless. Last night I, being the good girl that I am, decided to go to gym. Now don't worry, this is not a post about the lack of changing etiquette in women's locker rooms (although I may have to follow up on that sometime soon), but instead it's about something (I find) even more disturbing. Having come straight from work, I discovered that once I had finished changing into my gym kit I was desperate for the loo. Although there was a long queue of women with the same idea in mind, I decided to patiently wait in line instead of risking wetting myself on the treadmill. When it was finally my turn to relieve myself, I walked into the cubicle and was hit with the most putrid smell. No, it wasn't the smell of someone who had just emptied her bowels (which I somehow think I would've been able to handle), but instead that stench of really icky urine.

Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Anyone who has spent a large amount of time in a public space (office, shopping centre, school) and is forced to use the toilet has encountered this on more than one occasion. So what is it that makes some people's wee smell normal and others' smell like something has died and exited via their genitals in liquid form? Is it a case of your own urine smells ok to you and gross to everyone else? Or is it mainly to do with what you eat and drink (nutritionists, help me out here!)? Whatever the case, every time I've been to the office bathroom today, it's all I've been able to think about!

So ladies and gents, next time you feel the need to urinate, please pay attention to whether or not your pee smells like sewerage. If not, go you! Keep on doing whatever you're doing - we're proud of you! But if so, please take these six steps immediately:

Step 1: Spray the cubicle's infected air with air-freshener, deodorant, insect repellant - anything with a disguising odour.
Step 2: In an attempt to preserve your name (and honour) try to leave the toilet as inconspicuously as possible. If there is another person waiting in line, make some loud remark about how the toilet has a weird smell so as to shift the blame onto someone else - perhaps that girl who always gives you the stink eye when you see her.
Step 3: Fill up a 2 litre plastic bottle with water and drink it down immediately. Can't handle it? Then get used to being a social pariah for the rest of your life you stinky-wee heathen.
Step 4: Spend the next week drinking copious amounts of water and eating nothing but celery. It's full of vitamins and minerals and, most importantly, WATER! You may even lose some weight while you're at it. Go you!
Step 5: Practice urinating at home before taking your wee out in public. Only when you are absolutely certain that your urine only smells like.. well... urine, then you can start reintroducing it to the rest of the world.
Step 6: Thank Karen for saving you from forever more being known as the person with smelly pee. You're welcome.

1 comment:

  1. I completely understand where you're coming from - and I really hope I don't have smelly wee!