Friday, 27 September 2013

Can you smell that?

This is a really gross topic of conversation, but something that's been playing on my mind nonethless. Last night I, being the good girl that I am, decided to go to gym. Now don't worry, this is not a post about the lack of changing etiquette in women's locker rooms (although I may have to follow up on that sometime soon), but instead it's about something (I find) even more disturbing. Having come straight from work, I discovered that once I had finished changing into my gym kit I was desperate for the loo. Although there was a long queue of women with the same idea in mind, I decided to patiently wait in line instead of risking wetting myself on the treadmill. When it was finally my turn to relieve myself, I walked into the cubicle and was hit with the most putrid smell. No, it wasn't the smell of someone who had just emptied her bowels (which I somehow think I would've been able to handle), but instead that stench of really icky urine.

Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Anyone who has spent a large amount of time in a public space (office, shopping centre, school) and is forced to use the toilet has encountered this on more than one occasion. So what is it that makes some people's wee smell normal and others' smell like something has died and exited via their genitals in liquid form? Is it a case of your own urine smells ok to you and gross to everyone else? Or is it mainly to do with what you eat and drink (nutritionists, help me out here!)? Whatever the case, every time I've been to the office bathroom today, it's all I've been able to think about!

So ladies and gents, next time you feel the need to urinate, please pay attention to whether or not your pee smells like sewerage. If not, go you! Keep on doing whatever you're doing - we're proud of you! But if so, please take these six steps immediately:

Step 1: Spray the cubicle's infected air with air-freshener, deodorant, insect repellant - anything with a disguising odour.
Step 2: In an attempt to preserve your name (and honour) try to leave the toilet as inconspicuously as possible. If there is another person waiting in line, make some loud remark about how the toilet has a weird smell so as to shift the blame onto someone else - perhaps that girl who always gives you the stink eye when you see her.
Step 3: Fill up a 2 litre plastic bottle with water and drink it down immediately. Can't handle it? Then get used to being a social pariah for the rest of your life you stinky-wee heathen.
Step 4: Spend the next week drinking copious amounts of water and eating nothing but celery. It's full of vitamins and minerals and, most importantly, WATER! You may even lose some weight while you're at it. Go you!
Step 5: Practice urinating at home before taking your wee out in public. Only when you are absolutely certain that your urine only smells like.. well... urine, then you can start reintroducing it to the rest of the world.
Step 6: Thank Karen for saving you from forever more being known as the person with smelly pee. You're welcome.

Monday, 16 September 2013

Crazy cat lady

This weekend I had a sudden realisation. It happened at about 14:00 on Saturday afternoon, when I willingly chose to leave the warm confines of my flat, walked downstairs in my pjs and over-sized cardi, and out onto the street to see if I could see my neighbour's cat. I stood on the pavement for a while, looking like a complete bare-footed hobo, until I realised that my other neighbour was sitting in his car staring at me like I was a poorly-dressed lunatic. After one final check for the cat, I calmly turned around, walked back indoors, went upstairs and into my flat... and realised that I am, in fact, a crazy cat lady. 

I always thought that this was a domain solely reserved for old, lonely women who wore big, fluffy jerseys covered in hair and had no problem with their homes (or themselves) smelling like cat pee. I am not old or lonely, and I certainly have far more regard for my wardrobe than to ever let it become irreparably hair-encrusted. But I do like cats. A lot. Like my-vocal-range-increases-in-decibel-whenever-I'm-near-them a lot. I've taken to wandering aimlessly around the neighbourhood searching for unsuspecting kitties to cuddle. I buy cat food (even though I don't own a cat) on the off chance I have a whiskered-visitor. I jump at the opportunity to visit someone if I know they have a cat (yes, I'm using you, deal with it). And, just this morning, I found myself contemplating starting a "Cats" Pinterest board. 

It's official: I'm doomed.

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Grey-t Expectations (heehee)

Today the powers that be officially announced who is going to star in the new 50 Shades of Grey movie. Although I haven't read the books, I also don't live under a rock and therefore had a few expectations of my own regarding what said characters should look like. And by said characters, I'm obviously referring to the big chunk of hotness that is meant to be Christian Grey. For this infamous super sex machine, they have chosen 33 year old Brit Charlie Hunnam: 

What do we think? He's a bit... pretty. And that beard's really gross. Plus his eyes are pretty close together, thus giving him the appearance of a water rat. I've heard some people compare him to Heath Ledger but I mean seriously, who can compare to Heath? 

Ahhhhhh, Heeeeaaaatttttthhhh..... 

But on the positives, Charlie does have awesome abs (see left) and a British accent (imagine one since I don't have audio), and quite pretty eyes (even if they are in very close proximity). I can see how some ladies would swoon over him, but I can't help but feel that he's falling very short of my mental image. Christian is meant to be suave, sophisticated, arrogant as all hell. He absolutely MUST look great in a suit. Which is why I have concluded that Karen's Christian Grey is Harvey Specter (Gabriel Macht) from Suits. Mmmmmm..... Give me some of that cheese.