Monday, 26 August 2013

Day Of Karen

Saturday was a Day Of Karen. What does a Day Of Karen involve, I hear you ask. As little or as much as I want it to. This is a day where I switch off my phone and see as few people as humanly possible. Anti-social much? Yes, absolutely. You know how some people complain about being lonely? I used to be one of those people. Now I'm the sort of person who'll make excuses to get out of social obligations so that I can spend the day in my jimmy jams doing whatever the hell I want. Hello, dear Karen, have you brushed your hair today? Why no, random person, this is a Day of Karen and you are interrupting me so BUGGER OFF! 

Obviously I have inspired you so much that you wish to have a Day Of <Insert Name Here> of your very own. Yes? Yes! So I have taken time out of my busy schedule to compile a list of absolute essentials that are needed on such a heavenly day:

1) An empty flat. This is something on which there cannot be any compromise. No matter how well you get along with your flatmate/Mom/significant other, the last thing you need on a Day Of Karen is judgy eyes getting all judgy-judgison on your ass. On that point, maybe kick out your cat for the day too - you know how those guys love to stare...

2) Copious amounts of series/movies/porn. Ok, no porn for me, but you get my gist. The moment that you become BORED is the moment that you know that your Day Of Karen is FAILING. This is the day that you get to watch back-to-back episodes of, well, ANYTHING! Your boyfriend thinks Gossip Girl is lame? Time to indulge in all 6 seasons. Your flatmate hates any movie with Will Smith in it (get another flatmate - Will is a champ)? Line up Hitch, Independence Day, and all three Men In Blacks for your viewing pleasure. In terms of the porn, I'll leave that up to you... 

3) Usually "forbidden" snacks and bevvies. Why did Eve eat the forbidden fruit? Because it was the one thing DENIED to her. Never deny yourself on day Of Karen. My guilty pleasure is Coke. No, not the white, powdered variety but good 'ol fashioned crammed full of sugar and bubbles Cokie-Cola, which is possibly just as bad. Did I drink water all day on Saturday? HELL NO BUDDIO! Bottom line: indulge. This is YOUR day.

4) Comfy clothes and NO BRAS. I spend my week dressing up, doing my hair, applying my makeup, and donning uncomfortable push-up bras. There are no bras on Day Of Karen. There are elasticated pants, slippers and over-sized jerseys. There is comfort and joy that only comes from a day devoid of underwire. I went to the shops on Day Of Karen. I wore a hoodie to hide the fact that I was not wearing a bra. Verdict? NAILED IT!

Ho ho! I hear you exclaim. Ho hum! You're telling porky pies Karen - I saw you at the gym on your so-called precious Day Of Karen. Uh, yeah, it's called Day Of KAREN for a reason dummy - KAREN makes the rules. If I want to go to the gym, I shall go to the gym. If I want to run around my neighbourhood naked wearing nothing but a Santa hat, then that's exactly what I'll do. It's MY day. And to my accuser, who are you anyway? I don't like you. You're forbidden from having a Day Of Karen. Ever.

And so, dear readers, that's all there is to it. We're all busy people. We have busy lives full of friends, family, lovers, colleagues and other people who we devote our every waking minute to. We need - nay - we DESERVE a day all to ourselves. A day to toss our bras and do whatever the hell we want.     

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